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In 2011:
Overloaded in semester two & made the surprising discovery I preferred being busy. Made a decision to take a writing module (despite the 5 day week) & ended up really loving it. Got my first A in NUS. Started cooking nearly everyday in PGP. Applied for Tembusu & got accepted despite my dismal semester 1 grades. Survived the semester. Grew up unknowingly and spent a few weeks pondering over the changes I've gone through. Followed Singapore's General Elections for the first time. Decided to be more conscious of my spending habits. Went to Taiwan with Bestie, shopped a whole lot & grew fat there eating mee sua, fried mushrooms & chicken, and mango ice. Started making weekly (sometimes more frequent) trips to the hospital because my grandmother got admitted to the ICU. Did OCIP in Philippines and got to know the works of GK. Had an amazing time in GK SM & stayed with the most awesome host family ever. Cried buckets when I left. Worked at IRAS for a couple of weeks, met really nice people & caught up with Lia. Found a tumor & removed it & had BB come down to Mount A. with a giant sunflower & balloon. Got my first home visit from Bestie & Lu. Caught up with many people dear to my heart after my surgery. Was OGL for DE camp with Sab & Hazel & got to know my favorite freshies. Did rag & started hanging out with the Friday Night Out gang for supper/movies/steamboat/bbq. Became OGL for Tembusu orientation camp and got to know wonderful people in Megatron. Started my second academic year in NUS all too soon. Met amazing people and exchange students in Tembusu & had some wonderful dinners/outings/HTHTs with them. Had many fat suppers with my Tembusu BFFs. Juggled 5 projects for Y2S1 and burnt out really badly towards reading week. Had some really enjoyable sightseeing experiences with WS. Ended examinations & moved out almost immediately. Returned to Philippines with a different team & learnt so much during the trip. Cried buckets (again) when I left. Caught up (& will be catching up) with some of my favorite people around. Visited Korea again and ate too much carbs. Came back home to find myself missing the weather terribly. Going to end my year with Bestie once again.
In between what happened to my grandmother, and my tumor & all, I have too much to be grateful for. But mostly, I am thankful for life. Life is gift that I take for granted all too often: it is so simple to just look at what is in front of you and be discontented for all that you don't have, but it is so hard to remember the small, intangible things that truly count. I am also thankful for the people who have made this year count and who have not only stood by me through all my celebrations and triumphs but also the whining, impatience, bad-temperedness, and all my ugly moments. Thank you for a beautiful 2011. | | |
| Eight days back in this city and I already feel trapped. Trapped by the excessive consumerism we promote, and of the fast-paced, heart-racing speed we live in that is often mistaken for vibrancy. The bright lights here make me want to shrink back into the shadows and board the next plane out of this city to search for a quieter and simpler life.
The discontentment with what I have here has settled in so quickly, and I realize that something doesn't add up. I thought that being in the village for a week would force me to cherish what I have here: family, technology, education, employment, human rights, arguably pretty good governance... and while I do to a certain extent appreciate the people and things I have here a whole lot more, a relentless small voice inside of me persists in pointing out that things aren't right here.
And really, it is so easy to slip back into your old routines of uncontrolled and imprudent consumption, of comfort and convenience and of wastage. It is all too easy to get caught up in same chase as the thousands of people are in and lose yourself again. So maybe you can't gauge or estimate how much you've learnt from OCIP from the thoughts you have or the things you say, because even for the best of people, feelings change and memories fade. Perhaps what really matters is not how well you can adapt and live a simple life in the village, but how well you bring that simplicity and contentment back home, and live your life as you did in the village while being thrust back into your own environment.
It is sad to know we can't really do much to change our environment or our circumstances. We can't hope to impose values and changes on society; things just don't work that way. So the only thing we can do for ourselves and for the people who have taught us these valuable lessons is to pray that these lessons will not be forgotten and that we will continue to keep them close to our hearts and live them out. We may not be able to change the way this world operates, but I sincerely hope the way we have changed will inspire more people to make a change. | | |
| Six months later, I once again found myself back in Bagong Silang, in the little village that taught me so much and opened up my eyes to so many realities of this world. I rarely lose the ability to express myself in words, but coming back from this trip, I've started so many entries only to discover that my words are insufficient to describe the 6 days I've had in GK SM. Yet, I find the chatter in my head drowning out all my other thoughts and so I am here, trying to sort through the little voices in my head that refuse to be still.
Before I speak of the 6 days in the village, I have to admit that I struggled a lot personally to make this journey back. I booked my tickets later than most of the team, and pondered over the intentions behind my decision for a long time, before finally taking a huge leap of faith. At that point of time, even right up till our departure at Changi Airport, my mind was clouded with so many doubts and uncertainties that threatened to waver the belief I had in OCIP. And in the midst of all these, there was a restlessness deep down - perhaps even the tiniest bit of fear and worry, knowing I was returning to the very same place where I discovered my tumor.
Still, God took my hand and led the way and I found myself on the plane alongside Mr Ho, BK and 7 other strangers (at that point of time), dashing headfirst into a journey we didn't realize would be so remarkable. I remember hoping for a spectacular learning experience, and I would say this was definitely everything I was hoping for, and much, much more. To be completely honest, I was so excited about seeing all the familiar faces again after half a year and I expected a joyous reunion upon my return to Tita Bheng's house. Instead, when I stepped out of the van and into GK SM, I was completely taken by surprised at the strange overwhelming emotions that swept across me: it felt like I was returning home.
I mean, isn't it strange to say you're coming home to a place you've only stayed at for six days, six long months ago? How is it humanly possible to feel this sense of attachment to a place where you were for a mere 144 hours? My head still can't comprehend it even now, but my heart knew that I was home. And on that very night in GK SM when Tito Jun told me he felt like I was a family member who had gone away for a long holiday and was finally returning home, I just felt so elated and touched to realize I have a place in someone else's family too.
I could write on and on about the little stories here and there I've heard from the villagers themselves or my teammates but that would take a really long time, but I guess what I really wanted out of this blog entry was to truly express a deep-felt gratitude towards GK and the community in Bagong Silang which I didn't have the courage to when I was there. On the last night I shared with the team about how thankful I was to GK because if I'd never gone to Philippines, I honestly don't know how long it would have taken for me to discover the tumor. I was really emotional that night because I realized I didn't know when else I would get a chance to vocalise this unspoken thankfulness I have buried deep in my heart for the last six months, or if I would even have the courage to do so. On that night, Minqi told me I should share my story if I returned to Bagong Silang again and I hesitated. But she said one thing that really struck me, and I've been thinking about it ever since. She told me all the villagers are always saying they are thankful to us for coming over to help them, but we never really let them know how thankful we are to them for allowing us to learn so much from them.
And I guess really, this is what the essence of my post is: to thank them.
The six days in the village, and even the previous six days I've had with them in June, have really taught me lessons I could spend a lifetime trying to master. Beyond the hospitality and love they've extended to us, I've also seen strength and resilience and a refusal to submit to the hardships of life. I've seen how they dream of beautiful things, even when the odds aren't in their favor. I've heard of the strength of their faith, and the love they have for their children and community. And all of these make me ashamed of who I am. I am ashamed of my flippant attitude towards my college education, ashamed of the way I never think twice before buying something I don't need, ashamed of the extravagance of my life when others live in lack, ashamed of complaining and taking things for granted and being envious of those who have more than me. My six days there has really made me question who I am as a person and what my true beliefs are and if I have really stayed true to them.
Additionally, I have to say I came back to Singapore with many of the questions I posed to myself before the trip still unanswered, but I’ve learnt that it’s okay to question your intentions and feel unsure, it’s okay to take a minute to stop and think, and it’s okay to feel like you don’t know why you’re doing this anymore. Most importantly, I’ve learnt you have to trust your heart, to trust that your intentions are pure and right and have the faith to believe that these intentions will be perceived as they were meant to be. Maybe the problem isn’t in the confusion, maybe the problem lies in the refusal to work through the mess in your head and figure things out with your heart, and see what is right for you and the community.
Just in this short period of time, I've learnt so much about the world, about Philippines, about myself and I really wish I could convey how grateful I am to have been able to gain all these knowledge and insights. Obviously, I can't discount the team's contributions in this entire learning process, and I have truly been blessed by the interactions and discussions we've had both individually and together as a team.
Above all, I am thankful to God, for helping me find my way back to this place, and for guiding me to a path of self-acceptance and inner healing. Initially, I thought coming back to Bagong Silang after six months would bring me full circle. Instead, I've come to realize that this is merely a start of another journey.
And so, I departed for Philippines on the 5th of December thinking it would perhaps be my last trip there. But I departed from Philippines on the 11th of December praying this wouldn't be my last trip there.
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| It is almost ironic how I started out my second academic year with such high hopes, believing I was indestructible after managing to emerge mostly unscathed after the previous semester. I can't say this entire semester has been a complete disaster, but at the same time, there is no denying the moments I stood so close the edge, where I could barely hang on and all I wanted was to just let go.
Perhaps, it has really just been a trying year with all the events that happened in Summer culminating in a weary heart that continually grew colder and colder as the months flew past. There have been so many times I thought I was on the verge of losing it, but I suppose something in me just refused to concede defeat despite being continually knocked to the ground. I don't think I've ever fought more personal battles than this year, and I am still learning to deal with everything that has happened/is happening. It's strange, but there are times I think this could be preparation for something bigger, perhaps an opportunity to be more resilient and to have unwavering faith if greater challenges should come my way.
Nonetheless, I'm pretty thankful we're moving fast towards 2012 and I can soon strike off another semester of my mental calendar. It's not so much that I hate school (I don't because I know it's even worse out there) but I just am really, really, really looking forward to the next Summer break where I can finally find some repose (or so I hope).
December's just not really good for settling down and doing what you want because it's far too short and there are too many things to be done. Even as I type, I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed when I survey the piles of clothes, bags, hangers, face products and books that are strewn across every surface in my room. There is so much to unpack from Tembusu and so much to pack for Philippines and it just really bothers me that every December is packed with activities and I can't really catch my breath before commencing another semester.
Still, one of the greatest blessings I've had this year, is to be able to return to Philippines and visit everyone in the village. Even though I'm heading there with an almost entirely new team, I am so excited to return I may just cry any moment. I don't know what to expect out of this really (not anymore than the first time) but I am praying it will be spectacular. Not in the way where I believe I can change lives or do something amazing - I have learnt since my first trip five years ago that you aren't a hero, and that what you take away will always far surpass what you give to them - but in the learning. Now that I have a general idea of what GK is doing, I really want to delve deeper into things and look beyond the superficial. & I am also hoping for more meaningful interactions with the villagers and to venture out of my comfort zone. I just really hope that not a second will be wasted, because after this trip, I am not certain if I'll go back any time soon and I really need to seize every day.
Well, I should get some rest now because my typhoid vaccine was a nightmare. I will be counting down the days till I get to eat bical express, macaroni fruit salad, chicken stew and barbecued pork again (Y) | | |
| Today, when you spoke, I nearly laughed. Partly because I'd forgotten how you used to sound, partly because it was soooo loud, but mostly because I was so happy to hear your voice again. Four months ago, this was everything we could have asked for and I'm so glad God gave us a miracle. And now I'm just sitting here, smiling as I remember how I found you slumped across the hospital bed sideways because you were too lazy to move after you showered and I'm just happy you pulled through. It's been a slow, painful journey towards recovery but it finally feels we can put the last few months behind us and move on from here.
P.S. Thank You for watching over her :) | | |
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